Yesterday Anastasia Vitsky had a post in gratitude of blogland friends and so did Patty Devlin. Oh, so does Christina and Rogue. I realized this morning that I wanted to express some love over here too.
Ana is one of those people who is on her computer a lot (I guess I am too). If she sees you're on and she has a quick question, she'll instant message you. So it happened the morning I woke and found my mom curled up on the LazyBoy chair in a little ball, her lips gray, gasping for breath. She'd been perfectly fine the night before. Well, maybe not perfectly fine-- she'd caught a virus from the family that week and had been fighting it with a fever and diminished lung capacity, but she'd been sitting up, had eaten and looked good the night before.
As you might imagine I freaked out. I gave her Xanax and when her breathing didn't slow, gave her her first dose of morphine. As I paced around, fretting, I think that was about the time Ana instant messaged me saying "got a minute?"
I immediately dumped on her. Told her what was happening and that I was freaking out. She was so absolutely there for me. She asked what I needed and I said DISTRACTION. I certainly didn't want to talk about my terror that my mom was dying and how that felt. I don't remember how she distracted, but she came up with all sorts of things to entertain me as I waited for a call back from hospice and afterward, when I had given another dose of morphine.per their instructions and was waiting to see if my mom's breathing would slow. My mom fell asleep at last and I flitted about all day, a nervous bird, waiting to see if she would wake and how she would feel when she did. Ana was pretty much there all day, checking in, distracting, letting me talk if I needed to. Since my mom seemed to be sleeping peacefully, I decided she was probably ok.
When my mom still hadn't woken by 4 am the next day I freaked out some more, since that meant she hadn't eaten or drank in 20 hours. I called hospice and they very gently told me that this was "it".
Fuck. The rest of the day was a blur, but I know every time I went to my computer, it seemed like my sweet friend Ana would pop on to offer an ear if I needed it or to remind me to try to feed myself, etc. But without any pressure if I didn't want to talk. It was a godsend. Thank you, Ana.
After my mom died, I got support from all of you. My author friends on Facebook posted condolences, emailed or private messaged me. My publisher sent flowers. You all posted on my blog, sent emails, ecards, texted me your support. I even received a couple emails from lurkers who have NEVER posted here before. I treasure every single message. It's amazing how this community is here for you through the good, bad and ugly.
Thank you. I love you all.