Sunday night I crawled into my mom's bed around midnight to spend the night with after giving her another dose of morphine. She was comfortable, though her breathing took such effort that the bed rocked a little with each inhale. I woke up three hours later to stillness. I touched her cheek and it was cold.
My mother dedicated her entire life to serving others, especially her children. My older brother is schizophrenic and he lived with her until I moved her in with me in October. After retirement, she formed a non-profit that hired the mentally ill to refurbish computers, which they then sold to low-income/elderly/needy.
She was also a fighter. She had COPD for 25 years and even at Christmas time she was doing so well that I started wondering if she didn't have a few more years in her. We had a wonderful holiday with her here, my brother flew out and we played games and enjoyed the children. She really rallied for it and I think afterward, was finished.
I will miss her very much.
At this point I still have a million little thoughts about her as if she were alive. This morning I heard someone snort in their sleep and my first thought was whether she needed anything. After my shower I remembered I had laundry in the dryer and started to wonder if she had any that needed doing. Just now I realized I couldn't tell my daughter to bring her brush to Grandma and ask her to help brush her hair.
I'm trying to raise my consciousness around death. I don't believe it needs to be a sad thing, although my emotions aren't agreeing with me yet. I believe in life after death. I've already had a "message" from her. I was remembering sadly that she never finished teaching my daughter to play "Jingle Bells" on the piano, as she'd started to do. I thought I would use my inheritance for piano lessons for my daughter and my whole body suddenly flushed with warmth. I think that meant she approved.
My psychic friend called yesterday afternoon to say that she could see my mom and she had a message for me. She said she could see she was with my grandma and, did she have a sister who had died? I'd forgotten that I had an aunt who died before I was born. Of course they were waiting for my mom on the other side. Through my friend, my mom said how much she loved me, that she regretted that she'd held a barrier between us to prevent us from being closer, that she was sorry she'd parented my brother more (I never minded). It was absolutely beautiful and for the rest of yesterday I felt quite peaceful.
This morning not so much, but I will keep working on it.
How about you - any after death messages from the departed? I'd love to hear about them if you want to share. I'd prefer to hear your experiences than to receive condolences, if you know what i mean.
Thanks so much for listening!!
Yes, I've had messages. Too many to share but none as quickly as you. You are blessed.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you and your children were able to have that time with your Mom.
When my mother-in-law was dying, my grandmother who had passed away when I was 16, came and sat next to me on my bed and told me that everything was going to be okay and that she was going to take care of my mother-in-law.They didn't know each other, had never met, but it was comforting to know that my grandmother was looking out for me in some way.
ReplyDeleteWhat a lovely post about your mother.
ReplyDeleteI once read a book about guardian angels and it said that when you are drifting off to sleep if you say a little prayer and ask your guardian angels to show themselves to you, they will.
That night I had a dream where I saw my deceased grandmother and a teenage boy that I didn't know. I went up to them and sort of looked at the teenager like "who are you?" and he said "I'm not here for you, I'm here for John". John was my stepson who was living with us at the time. Years before, his best friend had died in a car accident on the way to school. I'd never met the friend.
I told John about my dream. I'm not sure if he thought I was nuts or not, but I hope it gave him some comfort.
I got pregnant with my little one a few hours before my granddaddy died - after two years of trying and failing. We'd given up. I felt something touch me inside (deeper) - and hours later we were standing at his bedside as he breathed his last - loud - loud breath.
ReplyDeleteMy munchkin has a lot of his mannerisms too, despite never having met him.
I consider him my message.
Glad you had a lovely Christmas.
Renee, I'm sorry for your loss. This was a lovely post honouring your Mom. We just lost my Dad 2 weeks ago and its hard but the memories are what brings you through it. (HUG)
ReplyDelete(((hugs))) Renee, love finds a way- you'll feel her in things, like the flush, a sudden scent. It sounds as thought you were both quite lucky to have been given the privilege of spending some of your lives together, and of sharing a special love.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for you loss. Really sorry. I can't even imagine.
ReplyDeleteDear sweet Renee who has brightened so many lives with your love and cheerfulness, thank you for sharing such tender moments of your life and about your mom.
ReplyDeleteTo remember, in whatever way you can, is to keep your mother alive. You will find a way. You'll see it in your daughter's smile, or in that quirky habit you didn't know you'd gotten from her, or you'll see it on a billboard that reminds you of her.
You are still your mother's daughter, dear, and you are loved.
Dear Renée, I can't say I have a message but I have an experience I want to share with you: I lost my mother almost ten years ago (she was then 83) and every night for years on end I used to wake up in the middle of the night, overcome by sorrow and guilt and crying so hard I couldn't go back to sleep.
ReplyDeleteAnd then I started dreaming of her almost every night (I still do), sometimes she's about 40 years old and I relive scenes of that time, sometimes she's about sixty but no matter, we talk and laugh together, it's always very exhilarating and I wake up full of joy...
However in the waking hours I still awfully grieve for her, and writing this comment I can't help crying.
How I wish what some of your commentators said was true!
I'm very sorry to hear about your loss Renee. How wonderful that you were able to be there, right by her side.
ReplyDeleteMy aunt to whom I was very close when I was 15/16 and couldn't talk to my own mom died of cancer a few years ago. On the night that she passed, I had a dream of her and she was young and beautiful and happy and waving to me. I knew it was her goodbye and it was ok in a strange way.
ReplyDeleteThe next morning my dad called to give me the news that she'd passed.
I believe in God and I believe in life after death (here for another round or up in Heaven). But it is an ending of a life and it is - no matter what - sad. We do have to go through the pain and the hurt (often alone) and hopefully you'll have beautiful moments too that will likely make you smile while you cry.
I wish you and your family strength.
I got pregnant with my son on the night my father-in-law passed after trying for almost a year with no luck. My son has my father-in-law's eyes :) I get visits very often from my father-in-law. Sometimes in dreams, but most often he likes to ring my wind chimes. I collect them, and they are brought into the house in the winter. He likes to ring my Queen of the Faeries chime, it winters in a room that is totally closed up. There are other wind chimes in that room, they never ring. Everytime I hear it I immediately get the sound of his laugh and an impression of his face in my head. I strongly believe in life after death and receiving messages, you just have to be open to them :) {{{Hugs}}}
ReplyDeleteLast April I lost a very good friend to cancer. She and I had talked before she passed. I asked her to contact me after she died. "But make it clear," I said. "Finding a dime on the sidewalk won't do it for me." She laughed, but told me the signs might be subtle and I needed to pay attention. There are times now when my thoughts of her are strong and in those moments I feel that she is with me. We carry our loved ones in our memories forever.
ReplyDeleteRenee, so very sorry for your loss. It's difficult, and you do need to re-think or re-do some of those "patterns" of behavior. My mother-in-law passed away in November, and although she hasn't been well in a while, it was unexpected at the time. We've definitely had visits.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I had to change is that I used to ask my husband every day, "Did you talk to your mom?" And now, I must remind myself not to ask. Instead, I ask about his brother. ;-)
My heart goes out to you. ((hugs))
I wish I could give you a hug, but your mom is right there with you and she'll do it, she always will. When I need them, my grandparents are never too far away. They may giggle and shake their heads sometimes, but I feel their unwavering love and support. Your memories our strong and that is a beautiful thing.
ReplyDeleteI have no words of comfort. Only an blog hug.
ReplyDeleteRenee, thank you for sharing your story. I believe..... in angels and loved ones visiting. I pray that her presence spiritually comforts you during the time when your are missing her physically.
ReplyDeleteI am very sorry for your loss and I am glad you are finding some comfort in your memories and her spirit. I hope they continue to provide that comfort.
ReplyDeleteRenee, I am so sorry for your loss. A lovely post honouring your Mom.
ReplyDeleteIt's wonderful that you had that time together with her as a family and that you were right there with her. You will continue to feel her presence in lots of little ways that will bring you comfort.
Hugs
Roz
Deepest Condolences Renee Rose. I agree with the others, this was a lovely way to honor your Mom on your blog. I am glad that you got to be right there with her. She will never truley be gone from your side.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you have a wonderful Christmas to remember and that she breathed her last breath with you beside her. I absolutely believe that others live on...Spirits/Energy exist past their last corporal breath. I have had many experiences where I have had signs from my closest departed loves - and each one has been clear, calming, reassuring and bring me a feeling of contentment.
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself and your family.
hugs,
~fiona
Hugs- I know... been there.
ReplyDeleteLots and lots of messages. You around in the day on Tuesday? I come back from TX then and would love to chat with you, share with you, and catch up. Let me know, I'll call you! *big hugs*
ReplyDeleteOh Renee, what you said above is perfect. I believe that those that have passed can be with us. My aunt passed away close to two years ago. She lived with my cousin her daughter. My aunt lost her husband, my uncle about 5 years earlier and missed him every day. Often near the end she would talk to her husband, whether it was to ask him to move over or relate how he was there when she was ready. It wasn't just in those moments when thoughts were jumbled, it was in moments of clarity. We all find comfort in remembering her words!
ReplyDeleteFind time to be with all your loved ones, friends and family.
i love reading the John Edward books... if you haven't seen them, maybe you wanna pick one up. they're rather comforting.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your loss. I wish words were enough. Sending you a virtual hug.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your beautiful stories - they really are helping me feel peaceful about it all. I love you all!!!
ReplyDeleteRenee, Deepest Sympathy to you and your family. I am apologize that I am just now seeing this post tonight.
ReplyDeleteI was very close to my grandmother. I carried a rose home from her casket and when we finally made it home then I went to put the rose in some water and the radio was on at the time. At that exact moment the song The Rose by Bette Midler came on the radio. I always felt like my grandmother was giving me a hug when I missed her so much.
I will be thinking and praying for you in the days ahead.
Hug and Love to you, SNP
Renee, please accept my condolences for your loss of your mother. I wish I had seen this post earlier.
ReplyDeleteYour post re-emphasizes to me how quickly our lives pass and that I need to make more of an effort to come to terms with the difficulties I had with my mother growing up. My Mom is really two different people: the alcoholic Mom who made my life miserable, particularly when I was a teenager, and sober Mom who gave up drinking twenty years ago and is now a completely different person. My Mom and I have a great relationship now, but I still find those bad memories from growing up sneaking into my head.
I want to find a way to make the past the past before she passes. Though all the women on my Mom's side of the family live into their 90s so I guess I've got a few years to work on it.
I'm rambling. Once again, please accepts my condolences for your loss.
Hugs,
claire
Sounds like you took good care of your mom right up until she passed, Renee Rose. I'm sure she appreciated it, and I hope I do as well for my own mother when it's her time.
ReplyDeleteI lost my dad many years ago in a traffic accident, and I still occasionally drive through the intersection where it happened. For a long time you could still see the skid marks left from the accident. I can't say I've ever had a message from him, but I still think of him often...more as I get older, it seems. There are many lessons he taught me, sometimes even when I didn't want to learn them, and so many times I wish that I could go back to say thank you. I feel like he knows when I think of him, and that he looks in on Joy and I to see how we're doing.
Many condolences to you and your family, Renee Rose.
Renee, dropping in to give you a cyber hug. Hope you and your family are doing ok during this sad time.
ReplyDeleteWhen my dad died and we were leaving the hospital, there was a bush along the walkway out to the parking lot, as I walked past it a bunch of dragonflies rose out of the bush and one simply landed on the strap of my purse. He rode the whole way to the car with me. I had such an overwhelming feeling of peace and calm that I knew my dad was telling me everything would be ok and that he was ok. Every since that day (it has been 6-1/2 years) when i am thinking of him or wondering what he would do or say in a situation, I see a dragonfly. My mom passed away about 7 months ago and a similar event occurred when leaving the church after her memorial service. So when I see dragonflies I know it is them. I know they are always with me and I am so grateful for the signs.
ReplyDeleteI remember all the good times and I even talk to them sometimes. I believe they can hear me and I truly believe I will see them again some day!!
She is with you and loves you and will always be just a thought away!!